As I grew up, I thought about my future. What I would do, where I would go, and what life would be like as the years passed. I had typical dreams: to get married, have a couple of kids, find a job I could tolerate, and, by the time my children grew up, be settled into a home where I would eventually retire.
I was way off base. Life, as it has turned out, has been far from normal.
Balancing my desire for what a typical family looks like with a growing longing to see God take me on an incredible adventure, I often felt pulled in different directions. During my high school years, I became one of “those” Christians who dreamed big about what God could accomplish through me. I was very aware that on my own, I did not amount to much, but my relationship with the Lord was always at the center of everything. My shortcomings faded in the light of His power. I knew God could do anything, and if I put my hand in His, He would work wonders.
As a senior in high school, our class planned what was called a “senior trip.” My sister’s class had gone to Mexico two years before, and my class was supposed to go to Europe. While everyone else looked forward to Europe, I was not interested. I could not fully explain why. I knew my parents would have found a way to send me if I had asked. Maybe they were quietly relieved that I did not want to go.
A different direction
Around that same time, our church youth group planned a short-term missions trip to Haiti. I knew I wanted to do something different. Instead of a typical senior trip, I went on my first mission trip abroad. I slept on a concrete floor without a mattress. A few blankets helped, but not much, and I did not mind. My adventure had begun.
We traveled through Port-au-Prince and nearby villages. It was hot, there were bugs, and the food was unfamiliar. Yet I felt at home in those few days. As I stepped onto the plane to return, I had a sense that this would not be my last trip overseas.
It was not.
Not long after that first trip, I found myself boarding plane after plane as a missionary. Life has unfolded very differently from the normal dreams that once competed for my attention. Slowing down has never really been an option. Somehow, my husband and I keep finding the strength to keep dreaming, keep going, and keep doing.
But this life has come at a cost.
Having more, losing more
If you asked me how much I have paid for this life, the answer would not be simple. The cost has been layered. It touches every part of life, financially, emotionally, and spiritually. It is not a message that fits easily into a world that constantly tells us that doing better means having more.
More money.
More comfort.
More security.
But I have come to believe that doing better means doing God’s will.
What could be better than following His call, whether it leads across the world or across the street?
I pray my children will do better than I have, not by having more, but by following God more closely, seeing more of His power, and trusting Him more fully. He is the only One who can keep them steady in a complicated world.
How much has it cost?
From a natural perspective, a great deal. I have left behind family and familiar ways of life and have learned new languages and cultures. I have lived through war and rejection. I have watched my children grow up and leave. There have been moments when I felt like there was nothing left to give, only to find that God was asking for more.
Why would anyone choose this?
Because somewhere along the way, God convinced me that the life He offers is better than anything I could build on my own. I have not understood every turn in the journey, but we have reached each place He has led us.
This life may not look successful by the world’s standards. It is neither lucrative nor easy. Much of it is lived on the edge. Yet we have never lacked. Our children have been provided for. We have had what we needed, even if we did not have everything we wanted.
And sometimes I still wonder. Have I paid enough to enjoy a little more stability? A permanent home? A bit more ease?
But then I remember. This life is not about what we accumulate. It is not about how comfortable we become. Our calling carries eternal weight. What we are part of now will outlast everything we can see.
“So likewise you, when you have done all those things which you are commanded, say, ‘We are unprofitable servants. We have done what was our duty to do.’”
Luke 17:10 NKJV
A daily cost
I do not want to do only what is required.
So there is a cost. And it is not paid once. It is paid daily. Because I want His version of success, not my own. To pay any price, there must be currency to cover the cost.
I’ve had to make withdrawals, not from a physical bank account or wallet, but from my spiritual savings. And those withdrawals happened incrementally, on a regular basis.
I did not wake up one day with the faith, courage, and determination needed to live this way. It grew over time as I chose to follow Him. In so doing, I was depositing in my spiritual savings account. As I made these deposits, God met me. As I took one step after another, doors leading to where He wanted me to be began to open.
When resistance came, and it came often, I had to learn to feed my spirit, to make withdrawals of spiritual currency, before reacting emotionally. That was the beginning of a change in my life’s direction.
I was fortunate to have leaders who understood this and helped guide us in growth. It is through growth that we develop the strength to stand. Without it, we fall more easily than we realize.
Even now, all these years later, I am still growing.
What sustained me yesterday will not sustain me today. I remain hungry to see more, do more, and walk more closely with God as His Kingdom comes. And this still amazes me.
God is just as interested in His Kingdom coming in me as He is in it coming to the rest of the world.
What a Father.
I would love for you to join me in growing closer to Him. When you do, He will lead you further than you imagined. But it begins with a step.
I have written more about this in another post, Your Relationship With God: How to Grow to Get to Where You Want to Go (click the link). You may find it helpful as you begin.
If you’re looking for more ways to grow, I’ve gathered books and resources that have helped me along the way on my Read, Grow, Go page.
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Related Reading: If you enjoyed this post, you may also enjoy these:
Just Say Yes: Part 3 Less of Me
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