I’m happy.
The fact that I can say that, despite everything demanding my attention around me, still amazes me. There are so many proverbial frying pans on the fire that I’m beginning to run out of firewood! This season of life is full, stretching me in more directions than I ever imagined. By no means is that a complaint. I wouldn’t choose any other life than the one I’m living now. But if I’m not careful, I can quickly become overwhelmed and discouraged, wondering what I left behind when I answered God’s call.
Not typical
I have tried many times in my life to fit into the typical mold of what a Christian mother, wife, or leader (whatever I am!) is supposed to look like. Popular Bible studies and books meant to “improve” my life filled my bookshelves, and I read them all. I learned. Oh, did I learn that I am something of an enigma among my peers.
That realization has caused me great frustration over the years. I have often wondered, and sometimes still do, “What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be like everyone else and be satisfied with what normal people seem to be satisfied with?”
I’ve dreamed
I’ve always dreamed of having a home of our own where we could finally settle down (hopefully that’s happening now… fingers crossed!). My husband and I have tried a few times to “settle down” and do what we thought we were supposed to do. I lived in a house in the USA for just over two years, which I loved.
I thought this was going to be the place where my grandchildren would visit me and where I could finally put down roots and nest. I kept it well and loved it so much. I planted a garden and a hedge, and it was beautiful, but eventually, there came a time when a decision had to be made, and we drove away from that home for the last time. We said goodbye once more and boarded a plane, searching for the place that kept calling our names from the other side of the world.
I’ve dreamed of being a normal mother and grandmother. Well, I know I’d never be normal in the classic sense of the word, but I have envisioned myself as being accessible and nearby, watching my grown children raise their own families. I pictured myself wearing bright red lipstick, driving my grandchildren to buy toys and ice cream, feeling their little arms around my neck, and telling them how much I love them.
Seeing them on FaceTime does little to soothe the ache in my chest whenever their names are spoken. Then the call comes once again from a faraway land, and I hear our names. We answer.
What thankfulness looks like
On a much lighter note, I’ve also dreamed of having a dishwasher, a supermarket with lunch meat, hairspray, shampoo, soap, and razor blades (I don’t have space to explain that one), and a nice salon where I can get my hair done. Ice cream would be amazing too (this may be happening!).
And in the distance, a people calls our names, and there I can’t find any of these things. But what I do find brings a deep joy I cannot fully explain.
This, I suppose, is what thankfulness looks like. While I wish I could be surrounded by those who are far away, hear a loud football game playing on the television for my husband, and pray around the family table, I hear my name called, and I have to go.
A traditional family life isn’t in the cards for me. What is in the cards is embracing the life we’ve been given and loving what God sets before us each day. I choose to give thanks, thanks for everything we have and for the opportunity to answer His call. Yes, I thank God for the privilege of saying yes, of obeying Him, and of growing in courage and faith so that when He calls, I can answer.
Today I’m happy
The call has taken away much of what we would consider dear: family, friends, culture, language, financial security, and so much more. Even things you never imagined you would miss, toothpaste or your favorite brand of shampoo, begin to matter far less when each day reminds you of what you’ve gladly left behind to answer Heaven’s assignment.
While this might seem bleak to someone who has never answered God’s call, those of us who have heard our names carried on the wind from distant lands know what James meant when he wrote, “Count it all joy…” (James 1:2–4).
So yes, today I am happy. I hope you are too.
“Happy are all who search for God and always do His will.”
Psalm 119:2 LB
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Related reading: For more posts like I’m Happy, you may enjoy:
I’m Not Pedigreed: When You Don’t Fit In
Do You Know What You Are Asking For?
