What do you fight for? What are the things worthy of your energy? I’ve written here on A Cultural Shift before about my mother’s viewpoint on getting angry. She used to say, “If you’re going to get angry, make sure it’s something worth getting angry over.” And, if we’re honest, there aren’t many things worth us getting angry over. It’s a waste of precious energy.
…Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your families, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes.”
Nehemiah 4:14 (NIV)
When the Bible talks about fighting, it’s rarely about physical combat. More often, it’s about standing firm, defending what matters, and refusing to let the enemy steal what God has entrusted to us.
The Bible is clear: not everything is worth fighting for. But our families are.
This isn’t a fight against flesh and blood using physical weapons. It’s a spiritual fight. It’s the kind of fight we wage using spiritual weapons, on our knees in prayer and through daily living in faith, that God is doing all that He promised He would do for our families. The Apostle Paul put it plainly:
Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called…
1 Timothy 6:12 (NIV)
So my mother was right after all
So my mother was right after all! We spend too much time fighting over trivial and unimportant things: carpet colors, what’s for dinner, who controls the TV remote (or WiFi password), and who was right. These minor issues distract us from the things that matter.
It’s easy to get angry with our parents, children, grandparents, and cousins over minor things, such as who drank the rest of the juice or who forgot to put their clothes away. If we allow these minor grievances to fester, they can develop into deep wounds over time.
However, if we look closely, we will realize that we are hurting the people we love most over things that truly don’t matter.
Spilled milk or socks that didn’t make it to the hamper aren’t worthy of our anger. When anger bubbles over, we say and do things that can leave lifelong wounds on the people we love most. It’s not worth it.
Just pick up the socks.
God is a family man
Because God created family, and Satan hates everything God loves, he will do anything to destroy it. Family is the centerpiece of creation. When God created Adam and Eve, He wasn’t just making two people; He was starting a family. God is a family man, and He desires to grow His family.
God is a Father above all, and everything He does flows from His heart as a loving parent. Psalm 68:5 reminds us that God is “a father to the fatherless and a defender of widows,” demonstrating His deep care for families and those in need of protection and a home. In Ephesians 3:14-15, Paul emphasizes that every family in heaven and on earth derives its name from the Father. God Himself is the ultimate source of family and belonging. Because God values family, He desires to build, protect, and grow His family, making the home a sacred place where His love and presence dwell.
We live in a natural world where our reactions are often influenced by habit or emotion, which can lead us to hurt those we love the most. These wounds damage the trust within our families and may cause us to question not only their love for us but also, at times, even God’s love.
Malicious intent
You can be sure that when fights erupt at home, the enemy, Satan, has come with malicious intent. He wants to use even the “right” things to destroy what God has built. Did you know that even when you’re right, God never wants you to use that “rightness” as a weapon to hurt your loved ones? True victory isn’t proving you’re right. True victory is found in protecting the hearts and unity of your family.
God’s intent for our families is to live in love and peace
If our intent in arguing is to hurt or harm, we are siding with Satan. Piling hurt upon hurt never solves anything; it only causes more destruction. While we can’t control how others respond, we are responsible for speaking words that reflect God’s heart and purpose. Our words should build up, not tear down.
Repairing, encouraging, and living at peace, this is what we fight for
Finally, brothers and sisters, keep rejoicing and repair whatever is broken. Encourage each other, think as one, and live at peace; and God, the Author of love and peace, will remain with you.
2 Corinthians 13:11 VOICE
From this verse, we can draw some steps we can take to help us examine our hearts when in the heat of a battle/argument at home:
- Keep rejoicing and repair what is broken. God doesn’t like to leave anything broken. The word “repair” in some form is mentioned at least 67 times in the Bible. Most of them refer primarily to the repairing of God’s house. The Bible says in Hebrews 3:6 that we are now God’s house. God wants us repaired and restored, not broken.
- When your relationships are under attack, especially at home, don’t wait for the other person to make the first move. Work to repair them. You’ve heard the saying, “Sometimes you have to fall on your sword.” Even if it’s not your mess, clean it up anyway. Help the person you’re in conflict with. It’s hard to stay angry with someone who’s serving you, and just as hard to stay angry while serving someone else.
- Encourage each other. You can’t break someone if you are busy encouraging them. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 tells us to comfort and edify, in other words, encourage one another.
- Imagine telling the very person who made you angry, “Hey, good job!” after they’ve done something well. Or saying, “Wow, you’re really smart,” when they ace a test. Simple words of encouragement like these have the power to break down walls in the middle of conflict. They disarm tension, remind both of you of the bigger picture, and create space for healing.
- Think as one. If we are working towards unity, we will repel brokenness. Psalm 133 describes the blessings that come when we work in unity: anointing, blessing, and life. When our goal is unity, we will avoid what breaks that unity. That doesn’t mean we don’t confront wrong behavior. On the contrary, we confront quickly but with a heart of love, whose goal is to bring unity.
- In our family, we don’t use the words “us” and “them” to describe one another. We are one unit, not sides, not rivals. We speak as one, stand as one, and fight for one another, not against each other. Division has no place where unity is our foundation.
- Live at peace. If there’s anything we must do, we must work for peace. When we live in an atmosphere of peace, there’s nothing we can’t do as a family. Romans 12:18 (NKJV) states it plainly, “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.” This means, as far as you are concerned, you seek to live at peace with your loved ones.
- Living at peace means learning to let go of the things that don’t really matter. Misplaced shoes, empty juice bottles, and unwashed laundry aren’t worth a vicious argument. If we let small annoyances steal our peace, we trade unity for control. And in the end, it’s just not worth losing our families over.
The family must fight in unity to win
Parents, husbands, and wives, we, as the adults and leaders in our homes, carry a divine responsibility: to lead our families toward unity in the fight for our family. When we fight in unity, we win. An army divided, each fighting in its own direction, quickly grows weak and ineffective. But when every member stands together with a common purpose, strength rises. Victory comes when we fight as one.
Husbands and fathers carry a special, added responsibility within the family. God has called them to lead, not with dominance, but with love, integrity, and example. Husbands and fathers, as leaders, know the way, show the way, and go the way. They set the tone and protect the spiritual and emotional well-being of the home. When fathers lead with humility and strength, families are steadied and strengthened.
The primary targets
The attack on the family comes from all directions, but these statistics show that its first targets are husbands and fathers. Why? Because much of the family’s spiritual, emotional, and directional health relies on them. When the enemy seeks to break apart a family, he begins with the one God appointed to lead it.
It’s not about power
From the beginning, God established the role of the husband and father as one of headship, not domination, but servant leadership. In Ephesians 5:23 (NIV), Paul writes, “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.”
This headship is not about power; it’s about responsibility. It’s about being the first to lay down one’s life, the first to pray, the first to repent, the first to serve.
God holds fathers and husbands accountable for the spiritual health of their homes. In Deuteronomy 6, God commands fathers to diligently teach their children His ways, whether they are sitting at home, walking on the road, lying down, or getting up. We can sum it up by saying that fathers should teach their children God’s ways, wherever they are and whatever they are doing.
In 1 Timothy 3, Paul highlights godly leadership in the church by first looking at how a man leads his family: “He must manage his own household well…”
When husbands and fathers neglect their spiritual responsibilities, the family often becomes lost, confused, unprotected, and vulnerable. But when men lead according to God’s Word, they serve as a covering, a source of strength, and a reflection of Christ’s love. This brings the family together in unity.
Live and work without pride. Be gentle and kind. Do not be hard on others. Let love keep you from doing that. Work hard to live together as on by the help of the Holy Spirit. Then there will be peace.
Ephesians 4:2,3 NLV
You are not abandoned
All of this doesn’t mean that those who are struggling, or who come from broken or fatherless homes, are without hope. Our God is a Redeemer. If your family is missing a father or husband, you are not abandoned. God Himself promises to be “a father to the fatherless and a defender of widows.” (Psalm 68:5 NKJV). He will lead, guide, and protect you as you submit your family to Him.
The absence of a husband or father is not the end of your story. Through the Holy Spirit, God fills the gaps left by human failure or loss. And in His wisdom, He has given us the church, a spiritual family that can serve as a covering, a source of accountability, and a place of healing. What the enemy has torn down, God can rebuild. What life has broken, God can restore.
Jesus’ own family was blended
So, whether you’re a single parent, part of a blended family (did you ever consider that Jesus’ own family was blended?), or going through deep brokenness, know this: there is hope. When we entrust our families to God’s care, He brings beauty from ashes.
There is no perfect family, not one. However, the good news is that God isn’t looking for perfection. He’s looking for us. He loves us as we are, warts and all. Even in our flaws, missteps, and messes, we can choose to make Him the center of our homes. And when God is at the center, even imperfect families can thrive under His care.
The above post is part of a series of messages we took part in at Awaken Life Church in Pretoria, South Africa. Click the link for more.
