I mentioned in a recent post that in July this year (2024) we celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary. That’s a lot of time to get to know someone and become familiar with them. I remember when our now-son-in-law, Derek, wanted to talk to Jamie about dating our daughter Mandy. He said (what he is now famous for in the family): “I just want to get to know” her. I remember the day well. Mandy was upstairs with her door cracked open, listening intently to the conversation. We knew Derek was a fine young man with an amazing family. How could we possibly say no? Eleven years have passed, ten since they married, and we’re so thankful that they “got to know” one another.
A hybrid culture when we got to know one another
The early days of marriage are often full of misunderstandings. Jamie and I came from polar opposite backgrounds. He was born in Texas to a solid American family. I was born into a Finnish immigrant family (click on this link for more information about Finland). I was firmly rooted in the culture of my parent’s homeland. Jamie loved sweet iced tea. I had never heard of such a thing until I grew up. We drank hot tea out of a small glass cup. Jamie’s family drank cold, sweet tea out of a 16-ounce plastic tumbler. Thus began the struggle to “get to know” one another.
After all this time, I’ve learned that “getting to know” one another never ends. I know Jamie very well. Yet, to this day, there are times that I learn something new about him. I’ve only recently understood how much he values time with me. Perhaps it’s taken time for me to discover this because we don’t do well in taking time off with one another. If we are flying somewhere or driving, it has to be linked to the work we do. Once we’re at our destination, it’s for work, not rest. Read on and let me explain what I mean.
I was so in love (and still am, BTW) that I was sure the differences in our upbringings wouldn’t matter. Well, they did matter. But we learned and were able to successfully merge our upbringings. This resulted in a hybrid culture where we mixed American and Finnish styles. Just as we were becoming accustomed to our style of living, we moved to Africa. This required us to become familiar with a new culture. Those were interesting days.
Learning to “smell the roses”
It can be difficult for us as missionaries to take time off and enjoy holidays and downtime. There’s a perception among missionaries that I have noticed over the years. It is hard for us to take a moment to “smell the roses” and appreciate life. Since our lives are lived off of raised support, it is tough to justify vacations or any personal purchase. I do not doubt that none of our donors would ever want us to have to grapple with such a perception. But we struggle with it just the same. For example, if I’m wearing a new dress when I am with friends, I find myself having to explain how I afforded to buy a new dress. But I’m trying to do better!
Beware of familiarity
Even though we have struggled to relax, we have managed to “get to know” one another pretty well. One of the most important marriage lessons I’ve learned over the years is that I should never become so familiar with my husband that I can’t honor him. The same holds for him; we vowed to honor one another the day we married. If I allow myself to get to the point of becoming so familiar with him that I am condescending and contemptuous towards him, I’ve made a grave mistake.
1 Corinthians 11:25–26 MSG "What you must solemnly realize is that every time you eat this bread and every time you drink this cup, you reenact in your words and actions the death of the Master. You will be drawn back to this meal again and again until the Master returns. You must never let familiarity breed contempt."
The above refers to communion in church. However, the principle remains: we should never allow our familiarity with someone to breed contempt. I should never allow myself to look down on what I might feel is a weakness because I don’t enjoy it. Another example of our differences is how we both like to unwind. He likes to watch action movies. I, on the other hand, prefer word games or taking my dog for a walk.
Still smiling after getting to know one another
We’ve learned to combine our preferences. I’ll watch a movie sometimes and he will walk the dogs with me. Neither of us cares for the other’s preferred activity, but we love to make the other happy. So, I was surprised when I learned the other day how much Jamie enjoys being with me. This was a new thing. I thought I already got to know him. Didn’t I know everything there was to know? It was evening, and after dinner, I was going to our room to play my usual word games when he said, “You’re going already?” I replied, “Yes.” He wasn’t happy about my leaving at that moment and I asked why. He said, “I just like you to be around.” Of course I sat there much longer and played word games and smiled. In fact, I’m still smiling.
Every relationship, with friends or family, should be held with love and honor. Relationships are all we have in life that we will carry into heaven. So, my professional marriage (and any other relationship for that matter) tip for today is not to allow the little differences we have among us to erode what is precious in life. Don’t allow familiarity breed contempt.
