When I was young, I had all the typical girl dreams: to have a handsome husband, a home, a career, and kids. Like anyone else, I dreamt of a beautiful wedding and living happily ever after in the same zip code I grew up in. But something changed along the way. This change didn’t happen overnight. Rather, it happened so gradually that I didn’t notice until one day I was stepping off a plane onto a rough air strip in Kalemie, Zaire. The tarmac was surrounded by decaying machine guns and rusted armed vehicles. While silent, their presence spoke of a harsh past. And I wondered, how did I get here?
I didn’t notice at first
The shift in my life pursuits happened subtly, almost without my noticing. I married a handsome man (Jamie, he still makes me blush when he looks at me) and then had a baby. We were planning on a life serving in our home church—until we weren’t. An opportunity came for us to serve in Africa, and we took it. We traveled with Jamie’s parents and a small group of friends from our church, who only stayed for about ten days before they returned to the States.
Those first ten days went quickly. It was soon time for the others of our team to leave. Bags were packed, tears were shed, and we hugged one another and said goodbye. The plane carrying my in-laws and those who had accompanied us took off. The questions that begged answering were, how did I get here, and how was I going to get back home? I felt a bit like Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz. Tears stung the backs of my eyes as I watched the plane grow smaller in the distance. My little boy waved his hand and shouted, “Bye-bye, Momom! Bye-bye, Papa!” What had we done?
A reluctant missionary
I was a reluctant missionary when we landed in Zaire in July 1987. We were received by wonderful missionaries Ralph and Shirley Hagemeier, who were already legends on the continent. A few other missionaries were serving with them; all were proficient in the language and great public speakers. I had no qualifications to do anything helpful when I compared myself to everyone else. My husband grew up in a pastor’s home and had his call to preach. He soaked in the wonders of Africa every day. But me? My days were filled with learning how to live and care for our little family. I felt overwhelmed with what was before me; how could I do anything worthwhile? The list of what I couldn’t do was much longer than the list of what I could do. I felt defeated and wondered, how did I get here?
I was hesitant and afraid. Who was I? What could I do? The obvious answer was that I was no one and couldn’t do anything. But I was not allowed the luxury of feeling sorry for myself too long. Life happened, and I had to learn to put one foot in front of the other.
Better Homes and Gardens©
Slowly, I integrated into the mission team and did my best to participate. We had a game night every Friday at the Hagemeiers’ house. Everyone was assigned a dish to bring for a potluck dinner. This sent panic down to the deepest parts of my soul. I didn’t know how to cook. The only weapon in my arsenal was a copy of the Better Homes and Gardens© cookbook. It was filled with practical advice that I tried to follow to the crossing of the “t” and the dotting of the “i.”
I don’t know how it happened, but I learned to cook during our first year on the field. It took months of failures in the kitchen and lots of tears, but by the end of the year, I was making mayonnaise and baking bread like I knew what I was doing.
A turnaround
When our first term on the field ended, I was terrified of returning to the USA. I had found a place where I fit. I wondered what if God only wanted us to be on the continent briefly and would send us back to the USA? My life had turned 180 degrees. I was not the same person I had been when I landed in Zaire in 1987. If I had been a misfit before leaving the States (and I felt I was), my misfit status would have been about to be elevated a bunch of degrees.
As it turned out, we didn’t leave and haven’t left Africa. We’ve had to spend some time off the field a few times for various reasons, but God’s call on our lives always brought us back here.
How did I get here?
So, the question of the year, maybe a lifetime, is the same: How did I get there? Since those early days, I’ve spent so much time moving from place to place in pursuit of God’s call that I haven’t looked back. This journey has taken me far. So, how did I go from being a reluctant missionary to who I am today? I hesitate to try and define what I’ve become. What I’ve become is a bit of an enigma.
This perspective shift comes with answering God’s call, no matter where that call has you serving. When God plants a call in your heart, and you answer it, everything you do falls into step with what the call entails.
A reluctant leader
If you read about Moses’s life in the Book of Numbers, you’ll see that he, too, began as a reluctant leader. His story is too long for one blog post. However, I want to focus on the change that came over him when he lived out his call to be the deliverer of God’s people from Egypt.
Moses’s life nearly ended before it began. When he was born, Pharaoh (the King of Egypt) ordered male babies to be killed.
Every son that is born to the Hebrews you shall cast into the Nile, but you shall let every daughter live.
Exodus 1:22 ESV
His life was saved when his mother and father hid him for as long as they could without being detected. But once it was no longer possible to hide him, his mother put him in a basket and sent it down the Nile river. The basket was supervised by his sister, Miriam, who watched Pharaoh’s daughter retrieve Moses from inside the basket. This is how he was adopted into Pharaoh’s household and grew up away from his people. When the time came, he intervened in a situation because he thought people knew he would save them. However, this attempt wasn’t God’s plan and was premature.
When he was forty years old, it came into his heart to visit his brothers, the children of Israel. And seeing one of them being wronged, he defended the oppressed man and avenged him by striking down the Egyptian. He supposed that his brothers would understand that God was giving them salvation by his hand, but they did not understand.
Acts 7:23-25 ESV
Trying to forget
At this juncture, Moses fled because he knew Pharaoh would come after him for killing an Egyptian. He spent 40 years away from Egypt, trying to forget who he thought he was, until God reminded him.
Now Moses was keeping the flock of his father-in-law, Jethro, the priest of Midian, and he led his flock to the west side of the wilderness and came to Horeb, the mountain of God. And the angel of the Lord appeared to him in a flame of fire out of the midst of a bush. He looked, and behold, the bush was burning, yet it was not consumed. And Moses said, “I will turn aside to see this great sight, why the bush is not burned.” When the Lord saw that he turned aside to see, God called to him out of the bush, “Moses, Moses!” And he said, “Here I am.” Then he said, “Do not come near; take your sandals off your feet, for the place on which you are standing is holy ground.” And he said, “I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob.” And Moses hid his face, for he was afraid to look at God.Then the Lord said, “I have surely seen the affliction of my people who are in Egypt and have heard their cry because of their taskmasters. I know their sufferings, and I have come down to deliver them out of the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land to a good and broad land...And now, behold, the cry of the people of Israel has come to me, and I have also seen the oppression with which the Egyptians oppress them. Come, I will send you to Pharaoh that you may bring my people, the children of Israel, out of Egypt.” But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?"
Exodus 3:1-11 ESV
I don’t know how Moses mustered the courage to argue with God, but he did. In chapter 3 of Exodus, Moses makes excuse after excuse to avoid his call. But God pushed him, and Moses went from God’s presence as not only a reluctant leader but a reluctant deliverer.
Why did You send me?
Throughout his time leading the people out of Egypt and to the border of the Promised Land, Moses’s character changed. In the early stages, there are occasions when Moses complained and said to God, “Why did you send me?” (see Exodus 5:22) and “Why have you dealt ill with your servant? And why have I not found favor in your sight, that you lay the burden of all this people on me? Did I conceive all this people? Did I give them birth, that you should say to me, ‘Carry them in your bosom, as a nurse carries a nursing child,’ to the land that you swore to give their fathers?” (see Numbers 11:10-17).
Moses surely spent much time asking himself, “How did I get here?”
Moses’s character transformation
Moses’s character transformation is seen later on, when God seemingly gave up on the people who were prone to forget all of His wonders and forsake His ways. God wanted to destroy the people and said He would raise another people from Moses’s lineage (see Exodus 32:7-14). But Moses convinced God otherwise and stood for the people, and God relented.
How did Moses go from reluctant leader to standing between the people and God’s wrath? Had this occurred early on in delivering the people, Moses might have stood aside and let God destroy everyone. But something happened in Moses’s heart that changed him from the inside out.
He was no hero
Moses was no hero in the natural sense. He killed a man (see Exodus 2:24), sent his family away (see Exodus 18:2) and neglected them, and lost his temper (see Numbers 20:2-13), which cost him dearly. Because of his anger, he wasn’t allowed to enter the Promised Land.
Moses’s character transformation came from his willingness to speak with God. From the beginning of his calling, he had already spoken (and argued) with God, which is what set him apart from other leaders we see in Scripture. He spoke with God and was so comfortable speaking with Him that he became known as a friend of God.
Instead of running from God, Moses ran to Him with all his concerns and complaints. And God received him and spoke with him. The reluctant leader became God’s friend. It went from Moses acknowledging that, yes, he was called. God’s presence drew him, but Moses desired to be close to God, and this desire to be close is what changed him from the inside out.
This is how I got here
I, too, changed from reluctant missionary to what I am today, a bit of a misfit in a maze of shifting cultures. And all I want to do is keep going, despite my weaknesses and failures. Why? Because I talked with God and connected with Him. He now talks to and walks with me in this ever-shifting life of obeying His call. This is how I got here.
What about you? Are you talking with God? Or does the prospect of obeying the call scare you and keep you from getting close? Nothing can fill the God-sized hole in your heart like God can. Education, money, status, and even friends and family can’t fulfill us like being in a close relationship with Him. There’s nothing to fear when serving Him. Everything He brings us through is for our good as much as it is for those we serve. I encourage you to trust Him. He will take you places that will make you ask the question, “How did I get here?”
