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Have you ever felt like an amateur but posed as a professional? When I posted a professional marriage tip blog, I felt that way. As I was writing, I initially felt uncomfortable titling the entry with the words “professional.” I don’t feel like a professional at all, I still feel like an amateur. I kind of feel like an imposter when I say I’m a professional. Even with all the experience we’ve had as a couple, inside I see myself as the young bride who had her life set before her. But, feelings aren’t reliable. One moment you can find yourself on top of the world. It only takes 30 seconds for those feelings to change.

There are no manuals

30 seconds isn’t long in the world of emotions. When we’re young, we’re prone to work to prove ourselves to the world. I was keen to prove that I could handle the pressures of being a preacher’s wife. There are no instructions or manuals on the subject (maybe I should write one). But back then I was sure that I was wise enough to make my way through the maze. I juggled work, school, and keeping a household together for a while. Then, we had a baby and my juggling skills were tested. The first one to feel my anxiety (besides myself) was Jamie.

*If this is your first time here, Jamie is my husband.*

I was far from an understanding wife and mother at that time. Now, I see that I was striving to be accepted. It was my goal to prove that I could handle the life that God had given me. The problem with this thinking that is so evident looking back is that it was selfish. I paid little attention to how my goal of proving my worth trampled everyone else in its wake.

Holding on like a professional

Thinking I was doing the right thing, I stubbornly held on to my points of view and handled life like I was a professional (oh what an amateur I was and still am). I could have avoided a lot of inner conflict had I just learned to trust God in those early years. At that time, there was no way I would have admitted that I was struggling. I can’t remember anyone asking me how things were going, it’s a long time ago. But I can say for sure that if anyone did ask how I was managing things, I certainly would have said the right preacher’s wife answer:

“Oh God is so good, He’s helping me.”

Why we hide when we struggle is a conundrum of epic proportions because hiding keeps us from getting help. We hide because of pride, we hide because we fear what others will say or what they will think. We also hide because we want to prove to ourselves that we can do it. I did well for a long time. I was young, I had to prove myself to everyone, myself included. The harder I tried, the harder I fell, my knees were getting pretty beat up. I began to berate myself internally, “You are blowing your chance, you’ll never make it. How can anyone, even your husband, love you? You’ve failed.” Those were harsh thoughts, but they felt so real.

Kneeling like an amateur is hard when you’ve been standing for so long

Even though I was young, I had been exposed to good teaching. I knew that wasn’t the way God wanted me to think about myself. And, I knew that once I kicked my pride to the curb, that the solution wasn’t to stand like a professional, but to kneel like an amateur. Kneeling is hard when you’ve been standing for so long.

James 4:10 ESV “Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.”

When any of my kids fell to the ground when they were small, I quickly picked them up. Scraped knees were met with kisses and band-aids. This is the picture I have of God picking me up when I finally fell to my knees. He felt my tears and soothed my pain. I couldn’t walk on my own and needed help and He lifted me up when I finally surrendered, resigned to my helplessness.

Lifting others

No, I couldn’t handle life on my own. That was the lesson I have had to learn and relearn over the years. Society tells us we have to stand on our own two feet, to show everyone that we can do it and do it well. That pressure broke me, but God used it to show me that together with Him, I could do whatever needed doing in life. But, the way it was going to get done would be counterintuitive to this world’s standards. To stand, I had to kneel. To be recognized by the One that mattered, I had to lift others up and trust that God would see me.

Romans 12:10 ESV “Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.”

The rewards we expect in life for doing what is good, trophies, honor, and recognition, aren’t what we are looking for when we serve in God’s Kingdom. His processes are backwards to what the world would consider progressive. God knows that people’s opinions of us can and will change at a whim. He wants us to learn to seek to please Him. When our hearts are set to please Him, He will always recognize us, He will never do anything to put us down.

We are all works in progress

I used to wonder why it felt as if I was being pushed away when I did my best to be the best. Maybe it’s partially because we are all works in progress. Everyone is learning their own lesson (hint, that might be a good thing to keep in mind). There’s not a person among us who isn’t going through their own life’s struggles.

What I now see, looking back, is that I was looking for recognition in the wrong places. I was setting myself up for failure when I tried to get people to recognize me. I had set unrealistic expectations on those around me, thinking they “ought to see” all the work I’m doing. No, no one “ought” to see anything. God sees, and He is sure to reward at the right time and place.

I’ve learned to kneel like an amateur

I’ve learned to kneel like an amateur and not stand like a professional. Life is so full of unexpected moments, I need to stay on my knees to keep from falling to the ground. This means, practically speaking, that I don’t get insulted when I do what needs to be done. There are piles of laundry that need doing, reports that need writing, and people that need to be loved. I’m just an amateur in a world of professionals, but that is okay.