There are times when life catches us by surprise. When things happen that we feel unprepared for, it’s during those moments that we realize that no one prepares us for “when.” Those moments of “when” just happen, and when they do, we are caught off-guard. Because no one prepares you for when.
Good days until when happened
I like to think that I am prepared for life. After all, I do have some life experience. I don’t like to admit how many years of experience I have. Suffice it to say that I am no longer at the entry level of life. I’ve raised three—just about four—children. Our fourth child, Andreya, is 16. She is my just–about kid. She arrived almost 15 years after child number three. Our son Stephen was the youngest until then, and then he wasn’t. However, he took his repositioning in the sibling order quite well. He babysat on many occasions and rarely complained. Those were good days that lasted for just a short time, until “when” happened.
No one prepares you for when your children grow up and leave. I wasn’t prepared for the moment when Stephen exited our front door, never to live at home again, for the last time. I wasn’t prepared for that “when.” As I type and remember that moment, it still stings.
The inevitable when
Now that Andreya is the same age as Stephen was when she entered our lives, I’m scrambling to prepare myself. I’m preparing for the inevitable “when” moment—when she will exit our front door. The moment when she won’t live at home again. How can I prepare for that “when” moment? I think no amount of preparation can prepare one adequately for such changes.
I wasn’t prepared for the first time I experienced a child leaving home. Tom, our firstborn, left in 2003 to begin life in the USA. I remember his departure well. Tom was my first go at being a parent. He was the one who I learned with and, in a sense, grew up with. His leaving was a first “when” like that for me, and it stung me deeply. I thought surely, after facing such a sting, I would be ready to face the moment when the next time a child left our home.
But no one prepares you for when.
When we spoiled her
I was sure I was prepared until it happened. No one prepares you for when your first daughter leaves home. Mandy was born in 1990 after doctors said I would likely miscarry her during pregnancy. God had mercy. What a “when” moment that was when Mandy was born! We cherished her and probably spoiled her. And that was alright.
Mandy, our miracle “when,” left a few years after Tom. My heart and head spun, and I hadn’t quite recovered from her departure when Stephen stepped out of our door and into the world. So, while I’m a bit wiser and aware that there’s a sting on its way, I am sure that no one prepares you for when your last child leaves home.
When we are unprepared
There are many “when” moments in life, many moments when we will feel unprepared.
- When we marry.
- When our children are born.
- When our children leave home.
- When we have grandchildren.
- When friendships are broken.
- When we get a new job.
- When the new job isn’t what we hoped for.
- When loved ones die.
- When we have to say goodbye.
All of our “when” situations, both good and bad, have moments in them that leave us feeling unprepared. They are all filled with uncertainty and challenge. What do we do with the “when?”
But when
"But when the kindness and the love of God our Savior toward man appeared, not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to His mercy He saved us..."
Titus 3:4,5a NKJV
There’s another “when” that isn’t associated with so much ambiguity. There is a “when” that changes everything; it’s the moment when God brings His kindness and love into our “when.” God has many “when” moments prepared for us to counter the unexpected “whens” of life. When God appears—the moment when He shows up with kindness and love—everything changes.
Why in our when
It is His kindness and love that save us when facing the moments that no one prepares us for. To encounter Him in the “when” only requires us not to ask “why.” We have to lay down our ideas of how to handle the “when” and replace it with His kindness and love. We must trust His process without having to know why in our “when.”
- When friends disappoint us, instead of asking why, we forgive and learn to not place expectations on people.
- When having to say goodbye to loved ones, instead of asking why they have to move, we learn to trust God to fill the void.
- When our children grow up and leave home, instead of asking why they are leaving, we learn to let them live and grow, just like God allows us to learn and grow.
When God is at the center of our life experience, His kindness and love see us through. It takes a lot of humility to trust God when life is happening. We would rather have knee-jerk reactions and fix what we’re facing. The problem with our knee-jerk reactions is that, more often than not, they are reflexes. And reflexes have no thought or prayer behind them; they are born out of instinct and emotion. Instinct and emotion can cloud the road before us. When the way forward isn’t clear, it’s easy to make the wrong choice.
Since we’ll all face many “when” moments in life, times when we feel things spiraling out of our control, it makes sense to trust it to the One who has complete control. No, we won’t always understand. I daresay we often won’t understand. But when God enters our “when,” things turn around.
