Someone once said they admired me because I was organized enough to finish things without writing a to-do list. I stopped and thought and realized it was true. Traditional to-do lists have never been a thing for me. Typically, if I write a list, I will quickly forget that I wrote it and forget where I placed it. I am someone who wakes up in the morning and gets things done that need to be done.
With the advent of smartphones, or dumb phones pick your poison, I have learned to add reminders and alarms on my calendar. That has been helpful and I don’t lose the reminders!
Opposites lists attract
Jamie (my husband) is a list-maker. He lives by lists. One might think he is old school, but he doesn’t forget anything. If I ask him what his day is going to look like, he will say, “Let me check my list.” Before you laugh at his system, between the two of us, he is the less forgetful one. I now ask him to write things down for me. This does irritate him and he will ask, “Why don’t you write your own to-do list?” My unspoken reply is, “Why don’t you do your own laundry?” But I’ve been married long enough to hold that argument for another day. 🤣
Instead of replying with sarcasm, I answer Jamie honestly when he asks me why I can’t write my own to-do list. I remind him of my issues with list-making and say, “You know if I write a list, I will forget that I wrote it or I’ll forget where I put it.” Understanding me is not rocket science. If I put something down, it might be lost forever.
We used to clash over things like list-making and folding the laundry but we’ve grown up a bit (our 40th wedding anniversary is in July). I understand his lists are not to be touched and he understands if he wants his laundry done, not to question my lackluster listing.
At peace with our lists
After all the years we’ve been together, we have our rhythm and an understanding of each other. We’re at peace with our differences. This doesn’t mean that we don’t disagree. It just means that disagreeing isn’t usually worth any of our energy. My mother used to say if you are going to get angry, make sure it’s worth the energy. In marriage, it’s important to have that give and take where each one can give a little and take a little.
A good example of how we have navigated this has to do with making the bed. I like to have the bed made. It feels good to walk into my room and see that the bed is neat. Jamie’s logic, however, is different. He reckons that the bed will just get unmade again by the end of the day, so why make it? How have we solved this dilemma? It’s quite simple, really. Since he doesn’t care about making the bed, he has no say-so in what I choose for bedding and decorating. Nowadays he does help with the bed just because he knows I like it done and that makes me smile. I do ask him his opinion now about decor, but I still pick what I want.
It wasn’t easy
We raised our children in Africa serving as missionaries. It was an adventure and it was difficult. When our children were small, we didn’t even think of the challenges we were going to face as they grew older. Living in non-English speaking countries, our first years of schooling experience was in French. While the children were young, and people say change is easy for children, it was hard. But we managed.
As they grew older, we had to work harder to make sure that whatever education they received would transition well to the USA or wherever God would take them. Thankfully, we made it, but not without tears. God has been so faithful to guide us each step of the way.
Ours together
While I carried the heavier load of overseeing the kids’ schooling, Jamie carried the lion’s share of the mission administration. We planted our first church together this way, together. We began working in a pattern that suited us. Even though I felt extremely underqualified to help plant a church, my heart hurt when I saw Jamie alone at his desk in our office. He never complained about the load, but I saw it was heavy. So little by little, almost invisibly, I began to take on more of the mundane work in the office. Today, I carry a lot of the administration. I learned to do more than I ever thought possible. Loving someone pushes you to do things that aren’t comfortable.
My taking on those boring, but necessary, details freed him to concentrate more on what he lives for: preaching, reaching out, and leading. The work wasn’t his, nor was it mine, it was ours. It is ours.
Picking up the slack on the list
I think we are a blessed couple because our relationship has grown from having strong demarcations of what is your responsibility and what is mine to working together as a team. One will naturally pick up the slack when the other can’t do as much. It’s not a problem or cause for argument. We’ve learned that marriage is not a to-do list of “his” or “her” things. It’s an “our” thing. Sometimes that means I have to give more, sometimes that means Jamie has to give more. We don’t keep track of who has done more or given more. We’re cool like that. I know when I need him, he will be there and when he needs me, I’ll be there.
An adventure
It wasn’t my intention to write today as much as I have about our marriage, but things never turn out as we foresee them to, do they? Our life has been an adventure, I can never say my husband never took me anywhere. We’ve seen some of the deepest parts of the bush in Africa as well as the big cities of America. Learning to live with another person’s welfare in mind wherever we are is the best lesson I’ve learned about marriage. That is something God did for us, it was hard but so worth it.
Even so, I still like the bed made and laundry folded and he still likes lists. I could write him a to-do list about making the bed and folding the laundry. Nah, that might be pushing it.
